It's been over a week since my last entry. On July 15th my grandmother Clara passed after a long fight with physical illness. Her 94 year old frame fought a good fight and as sad and heartbroken the family is, I believe we are all grateful that God showed mercy and allowed her to come home. We can be selfish at times by wanting our loved ones to live through days of pain and suffering. But we all loved her too much to want her to stay on. When I think of her, I see a woman who raised 7 children without the ability to read or write. All of her children went on to make personal successes. She was a strong woman. Her services were held in both Virginia and her home state of North Carolina. I attended both and am forever happy that I did. Seeing distant cousins and meeting family members was great. We, the grandchildren, are working to find our ancestry and have had issues once we bump into the 1860s, the end of slavery. But to see the progress of our family from illiteracy and poverty in rural North Carolina to college degreed land and business owners. My prayer is that I continue the family legacy of growth and success by building off a foundation based on a belief and trust in Jesus Christ. We love you Clara Joyner.

        

I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. Obviously there is something I'm missing. Am I depressed? I'm not sure. I find it a struggle to get from the beginning to the end of the day without having some kind of serious emotional event. Not having a man in my life has never been so pronounced. I've spent nearly $250 because I don't have a man in my life to do normal household "stuff" that I need done. I have to pay to get the lawn cut, pay to fix the A/C unit...and it's depressing. One of my closest friends moved 4 hours away...and the obvious disconnect that takes place due to distance is happening between us already. My grandmother is dying and once again I'm losing someone in my life. It's frustrating. I realize I'm snapping at people. And the worse part is that I don't know how to fix it. I've prayed and yet I can't seem to move from this place. So once again I say, I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. I've cried more over the past few weeks than I care to recount. The phone is turned off. I have to get myself together.

        

I am up and awake in the wheeee hours of the morning. I'm not 100% sure as to why...it may be the tall glass of iced tea I've been sipping most of the night. But I've taken several hours to reflect on where I am in my life and where I want to go. I've made great progress forward over the past 10 years and I'm thankful to God for where I am. I have a more defined plan for where I want to go over the next 5 and 10 years and the method for how I'll get there. I'm committing my plan to God, as I have my previous successful endeavors, and I'm going to do what I need to do to make it happen.

        

Conversations with a friend have given me a jolt of inspiration and motivation. At the age of 31, I can reflect on the last 10 years and identify numerous achievements both personally and professionally. Great jobs, experiences, trips abroad, purchase of first home, and the birth of a child. I generally believe that I'm comfortable with my current state. I live in a good area, have a decent job(s), and make decent money. I need for nothing and at this point I'm just fulfilling some wishes. But I remember a time when my drive and ambition was very intense and my days were spent working toward the goal at hand.

        

The past week has been rather difficult to get through. Waiting on the test results has been a breeze compared to dealing with some of the core issues I've overlooked over the past several years. I live 1,000 miles away from my family and the drawbacks have been difficult. I'm raising a son on my own without the support of family and I've had to develop a substitute family of friends. These friends are the people I lean on when I go through challenging periods. I learned recently that one is moving in the coming months and the other is anxiously trying to leave. I'm extremely lonely and I don't know how to not be.

        

Well, good news. I remain cancer free and yes, I'm thrilled. Not only can I return to the club of carnivores full-time, but the sensation of freedom has overcome me. Suddenly the idea of being free from the cloud of fear of tests, retests, biopsies, and meds is penetrating my reality. I can breathe without a looming cloud of pessimism or doubt around me. I'm ok.

        

I had my bi-annual appointment to retest for cancer on yesterday. Since I didn't blog the days leading up to the appointment, I guess you can tell that this ritual isn't bothering me nearly as much as it has in the past. I can't lie. My stomach was in knots the hours leading up to the appointment. I asked my doctor "how does it look" and she said it looks "good"...whatever that means...but the test will tell us for sure. She still wants to see me every 6 months and it seems as if I will be going this frequently for the immediate future. Not sure if I will ever be able to go back to the regular once a year check up. Either way, my conversation with my doctor was as lighthearted and playful as usual. She joked that I've had more than my share of pap smears. I know all too well what the speculum is, what it feels like, and that clicking sound it makes when she expands it. I've seen the giant scissors used to snip away at my cervix, and I've seen every type of sample cup they have. I've seen it all, been hospitalized, medicated, put on pain killers, lost hope, gained strength, and lived to tell the story. It really doesn't matter what the results are. Good, "bad" or indifferent, it is well with me.  I should have the results in a week or so. I have every expectation that they will find nothing. I will keep you posted.

        

God...this process is so difficult. I guess facing your giants is never easy. I feel like a woman coming out of a coma and being forced to use her legs after years of inactivity. The muscles atrophy and you have to build their strength back up. It takes time.

        

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and to say the least, I had a really good time. I was surrounded by the people I care about and was able to give them small "birthday" gifts as a way to show them how much I care. But within a couple of days of the big bash, I find myself more closed in and cut off then ever before. I acknowledge that I am a very giving person and have found myself pouring into others endlessly. Whatever you need, whatever you lack, I bend over backwards to give whatever is needed. Not looking for anything in return....yet finding myself quite empty. And finding myself unable to receive what it is I seek. How is it that I can be such a great, strong, educated, and wonderful woman, but no man wants to commit. and not play games.

        

This Memorial Day weekend has been more enjoyable than I could have imagined. Tyler, I and some friends went to St. George Island to spend a day at the beach and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Not only was I able to get out of the house and enjoy myself, but I was finally able to spend some good quality time with my son after months of working ridiculous hours. As trivial as it sounds, being able to lay on the beach and play in the sand with my #1 Little Guy has meant a lot to me. Laying on our backs and letting the tide push us back to the shore...eating burgers....filling pales full of sand just to dump it and start all over...pure relaxation. To make things even better, we were invited to church in Georgia on Sunday and spent the day with friends, old and new. To be able to get out of the house and spend the day is so out of my norm that it's not funny anymore. But the time spent away has been able to recharge my batteries, something that was  very needed. Today, my girlfriend was a real friend and started a project to get my house in order...literally. I have so much "stuff" all over the house and am so lacking time and organization that I needed a bit of help. We started in my bedroom and to say the least, I feel like a new woman. It's amazing what a change in your surroundings can do for your perspective. A place for everything and everything in its place. My closet has never been so neat (even when I first bought the house) and to stand in it is actually fun. I'm not dodging falling sweaters. I found out I have 8 pairs of jeans instead of 2. And I even found my favorite pair of socks.