Christie Joyner
My Journey in Blog
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Clara

It's been over a week since my last entry. On July 15th my grandmother Clara passed after a long fight with physical illness. Her 94 year old frame fought a good fight and as sad and heartbroken the family is, I believe we are all grateful that God showed mercy and allowed her to come home. We can be selfish at times by wanting our loved ones to live through days of pain and suffering. But we all loved her too much to want her to stay on. When I think of her, I see a woman who raised 7 children without the ability to read or write. All of her children went on to make personal successes. She was a strong woman. Her services were held in both Virginia and her home state of North Carolina. I attended both and am forever happy that I did. Seeing distant cousins and meeting family members was great. We, the grandchildren, are working to find our ancestry and have had issues once we bump into the 1860s, the end of slavery. But to see the progress of our family from illiteracy and poverty in rural North Carolina to college degreed land and business owners. My prayer is that I continue the family legacy of growth and success by building off a foundation based on a belief and trust in Jesus Christ. We love you Clara Joyner.

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Falling Apart at the Seams

I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. Obviously there is something I'm missing. Am I depressed? I'm not sure. I find it a struggle to get from the beginning to the end of the day without having some kind of serious emotional event. Not having a man in my life has never been so pronounced. I've spent nearly $250 because I don't have a man in my life to do normal household "stuff" that I need done. I have to pay to get the lawn cut, pay to fix the A/C unit...and it's depressing. One of my closest friends moved 4 hours away...and the obvious disconnect that takes place due to distance is happening between us already. My grandmother is dying and once again I'm losing someone in my life. It's frustrating. I realize I'm snapping at people. And the worse part is that I don't know how to fix it. I've prayed and yet I can't seem to move from this place. So once again I say, I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. I've cried more over the past few weeks than I care to recount. The phone is turned off. I have to get myself together.

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I'm Focused

I am up and awake in the wheeee hours of the morning. I'm not 100% sure as to why...it may be the tall glass of iced tea I've been sipping most of the night. But I've taken several hours to reflect on where I am in my life and where I want to go. I've made great progress forward over the past 10 years and I'm thankful to God for where I am. I have a more defined plan for where I want to go over the next 5 and 10 years and the method for how I'll get there. I'm committing my plan to God, as I have my previous successful endeavors, and I'm going to do what I need to do to make it happen.

I will be a philanthropist and an individual who will work to impart social change within my community, both locally and internationally. I will be COMPLETELY out of debt within 4 years and have a net worth of $1 million within 9 years. I will be an effective and loving mother and friend. I will be a fierce entrepreneur and business woman. My family comes first. My faith, reverence, and service to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and God my father supersedes any other endeavor, goal, or idea I engage in. Without God I am nothing and all that I am, I am because of Him.

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Ambition...Or Lack Thereof

Conversations with a friend have given me a jolt of inspiration and motivation. At the age of 31, I can reflect on the last 10 years and identify numerous achievements both personally and professionally. Great jobs, experiences, trips abroad, purchase of first home, and the birth of a child. I generally believe that I'm comfortable with my current state. I live in a good area, have a decent job(s), and make decent money. I need for nothing and at this point I'm just fulfilling some wishes. But I remember a time when my drive and ambition was very intense and my days were spent working toward the goal at hand.

I am now far from that place. I am more settled. My problem is I'm not 100% sure if that is a good or a bad thing. I have goals that I'm working toward and I've developed a methodical plan that is already in place....but after that what else is there. As I type, I realize that I have few challenges that push me on a daily basis. Earlier in my career I was reaching for the next promotion, for buying my home. I'm not one for mass, unnecessary consumption so the idea of acquiring multiple homes and gadgets is not appealing. But, I would like to travel the world and more importantly, I want to be a philanthropist. I suppose the best thing to do is set tangible goals that will lead to that end. So if you need $100 million, what is the first goal? I think I need to wrap my head around the whole idea and this 3-day weekend is perfect for such thought processes. My mind is filled with great ideas...execution is the problem. How to get from A to B is my challenge. Lots to think about...

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Lonely

The past week has been rather difficult to get through. Waiting on the test results has been a breeze compared to dealing with some of the core issues I've overlooked over the past several years. I live 1,000 miles away from my family and the drawbacks have been difficult. I'm raising a son on my own without the support of family and I've had to develop a substitute family of friends. These friends are the people I lean on when I go through challenging periods. I learned recently that one is moving in the coming months and the other is anxiously trying to leave. I'm extremely lonely and I don't know how to not be.

So I find myself holding on to any glimmer of a memory of home. There is a song named "Endicott" (by Kid Creole and the Coconuts) that my father use to sing to us kids and I found it on You Tube. I played it over and over again as I found it bring me comfort. We also use to watch a play called "The Gospel at Colonus" and I found the trailer online...which I running continuously as I blog. I'm yearning for home, for love, for comfort. I don't believe that those around me can understand where I am, so all I can do is hold on to the Lord and pray that he will cause my hurt and pain to subside. I literally don't know what else to do.

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Update - Cancer and Other Happenings

Well, good news. I remain cancer free and yes, I'm thrilled. Not only can I return to the club of carnivores full-time, but the sensation of freedom has overcome me. Suddenly the idea of being free from the cloud of fear of tests, retests, biopsies, and meds is penetrating my reality. I can breathe without a looming cloud of pessimism or doubt around me. I'm ok.

My close girlfriend has been helping me get organized around the house (I'm not the neatest person, especially given my work schedule) and the process of purging my house of years of accumulation is also purging for my soul. I like the idea of being a quasi-minimalist. There is something soothing about not having to kick anything that is in your path. The process is therapeutic to say the least. I'm in a good place and learning some valuable lessons. On tap at the moment, God is teaching me what love is. I'm not talking about the fleeting feeling we express randomly, but the II Corinthians 13 version of love. Tough lesson and I haven't scratched the surface. But all things work together for my good and I'm accepting my lessons as they come to me. More to follow...

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June 2010 Cancer Checkup

I had my bi-annual appointment to retest for cancer on yesterday. Since I didn't blog the days leading up to the appointment, I guess you can tell that this ritual isn't bothering me nearly as much as it has in the past. I can't lie. My stomach was in knots the hours leading up to the appointment. I asked my doctor "how does it look" and she said it looks "good"...whatever that means...but the test will tell us for sure. She still wants to see me every 6 months and it seems as if I will be going this frequently for the immediate future. Not sure if I will ever be able to go back to the regular once a year check up. Either way, my conversation with my doctor was as lighthearted and playful as usual. She joked that I've had more than my share of pap smears. I know all too well what the speculum is, what it feels like, and that clicking sound it makes when she expands it. I've seen the giant scissors used to snip away at my cervix, and I've seen every type of sample cup they have. I've seen it all, been hospitalized, medicated, put on pain killers, lost hope, gained strength, and lived to tell the story. It really doesn't matter what the results are. Good, "bad" or indifferent, it is well with me.  I should have the results in a week or so. I have every expectation that they will find nothing. I will keep you posted.

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Raw

God...this process is so difficult. I guess facing your giants is never easy. I feel like a woman coming out of a coma and being forced to use her legs after years of inactivity. The muscles atrophy and you have to build their strength back up. It takes time.

For years, I've been silenced by the shame and embarrassment of acts of sexual abuse and violence. I lost my voice. I lost the ability to speak loudly and to fight for myself. And now, the act of saying "No" is so, so difficult. It comes so natural for some people, but it is a HUGE hurdle for me. I know that fighting through this is the best path for me and it is needed. I know that I'm worthy of being treated right...I know I'm worth it...

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I'm Not Interested

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and to say the least, I had a really good time. I was surrounded by the people I care about and was able to give them small "birthday" gifts as a way to show them how much I care. But within a couple of days of the big bash, I find myself more closed in and cut off then ever before. I acknowledge that I am a very giving person and have found myself pouring into others endlessly. Whatever you need, whatever you lack, I bend over backwards to give whatever is needed. Not looking for anything in return....yet finding myself quite empty. And finding myself unable to receive what it is I seek. How is it that I can be such a great, strong, educated, and wonderful woman, but no man wants to commit. and not play games.

So, I'm done. I'm walking away. I'm taking care of myself and I don't want to be bothered by any more games. You teach people how to treat you...apparently I need to start over with Christie 101.

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My Weekend of Peace

This Memorial Day weekend has been more enjoyable than I could have imagined. Tyler, I and some friends went to St. George Island to spend a day at the beach and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Not only was I able to get out of the house and enjoy myself, but I was finally able to spend some good quality time with my son after months of working ridiculous hours. As trivial as it sounds, being able to lay on the beach and play in the sand with my #1 Little Guy has meant a lot to me. Laying on our backs and letting the tide push us back to the shore...eating burgers....filling pales full of sand just to dump it and start all over...pure relaxation. To make things even better, we were invited to church in Georgia on Sunday and spent the day with friends, old and new. To be able to get out of the house and spend the day is so out of my norm that it's not funny anymore. But the time spent away has been able to recharge my batteries, something that was  very needed. Today, my girlfriend was a real friend and started a project to get my house in order...literally. I have so much "stuff" all over the house and am so lacking time and organization that I needed a bit of help. We started in my bedroom and to say the least, I feel like a new woman. It's amazing what a change in your surroundings can do for your perspective. A place for everything and everything in its place. My closet has never been so neat (even when I first bought the house) and to stand in it is actually fun. I'm not dodging falling sweaters. I found out I have 8 pairs of jeans instead of 2. And I even found my favorite pair of socks.

Something else I realized this weekend...I may not have everything on my wish list. I'm very single with no prospects of a serious relationship in sight (no, no one is beating down my phone). I'm not as far along in my financial journey as I would like to be despite the many achievements I've made. But I have something now that I was looking for 6 years ago when I moved back here. I have peace. I lay my head at night, close my eyes, and I sleep well. There is no substitute for having peace in your life. And I wouldn't trade it for any relationship or savings account balance in the world.

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Monthly Archives

Recent Entries

  1. Clara
    Saturday, July 24, 2010
  2. Falling Apart at the Seams
    Tuesday, July 13, 2010
  3. I'm Focused
    Monday, July 05, 2010
  4. Ambition...Or Lack Thereof
    Saturday, July 03, 2010
  5. Lonely
    Wednesday, June 30, 2010
  6. Update - Cancer and Other Happenings
    Monday, June 28, 2010
  7. June 2010 Cancer Checkup
    Thursday, June 17, 2010
  8. Raw
    Thursday, June 10, 2010
  9. I'm Not Interested
    Tuesday, June 08, 2010
  10. My Weekend of Peace
    Monday, May 31, 2010

Recent Comments

  1. C.Joyner on Falling Apart at the Seams
    7/24/2010
  2. Deidra Munford on Falling Apart at the Seams
    7/24/2010
  3. C.Joyner on I'm Not Interested
    6/11/2010
  4. Rod on I'm Not Interested
    6/11/2010
  5. Case on Stuck in Nowhere
    5/18/2010
  6. Leesa P Jones on At a Loss
    10/28/2009
  7. Rodney on I Sought the Lord
    9/18/2009
  8. Rodney Little on Fighting the Food Dilemna
    9/3/2009
  9. Ann on Operating in the Fog
    8/21/2009
  10. Ann on Researching Alternatives
    8/9/2009

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