How I Feel Today
This has been an incredibly rough day emotionally. I’m having a difficult time concentrating and focusing at work to the point that my work is lacking. Today I realized just how much fear is running through me. I feel what seems like the weight of the world on me. What could I have done different to prevent facing the threat of cancer? I have a son to consider, a son who is dependent on me for the love and comfort that I feel that I lack. My fears are sucking the life and love out of me. I’ve played the song “Be Optimistic” by Sounds of Blackness repeatedly in order to stay positive. It is very hard for me to “feel” positive. There is a virus running through my body that causes it to self-destruct. And for whatever reason, my body is not strong enough to resist it. I feel toxic. I feel dirty. I feel unworthy and disgusting. The ugly truth is that I’m not always the strong and vibrant woman that people see. Some days I feel myself succumb to my own mental wars. And as much as I trust and believe that God is real, able, and ever-present…some days I just don’t hear Him. I know He is there. But there are moments that I feel so very alone. And to feel the sense of a void of God torments my spirit into a deep yearning and need for His comfort. Only He can heal my heart and soothe my spirit. I need my Father to help me through this.
Christie,
Your courageous is tremendous. I think that you can do anything and believe that you can beat everything. The Lord is nigh.
-Sonja
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My precious Christie,
I feel your fear and sadness. The one thing I want you to realize is that cancer is not above the name of Jesus. Nothing is above that wonderful name. So it means your fear and the cancer is subject to his Name. When I found out I had cancer, I quoted the 27th Psalm, verses 1-3. I was determined the enemy was not going to eat up my flesh. Christie through the cancer, radiation and surgery, I did not miss one day of work because of the cancer, except for the week of my surgery. The Bible says God does not slumber or sleep, so there is no point of both of you being up all night. Go to bed, rest in Him and let him be God. He's got this. If you need help with Tyler through this, you know you can always bring him here. Between me and your mom you know he will be well taken care of. I am unemployed right now so I am home. Let me know how I can help you. You are not alone in this. And always remember what I told you your name meant, "Christ sheltered." I love you so much, Leesa
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Ms. Leesa...thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I had no idea that you ever had cancer. As I'm sure you know, some days are better than others. But with each passing day I am more and more encouraged. I know that God is in control and that alone gives me great assurance.
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