These have been some of the darkest days of my adult life. Though I've had days that have been a pure delight, I can't remember having so many consistent days of pure struggle. Today was no different. I fell apart today. I was about a breathe away from exploding. I'm not talking about being sad or depressed. I mean having so much pressure on you that you find yourself shaking when you're sitting still. Unable to talk in coherent sentences. Unable to think clearly. All you can do is say "Jesus help me."  I wanted to implode. For just a moment in time, I wanted to pretend that I didn't exist, that I could sneak away and crawl and hide from the rest of the world.

It all started when I realized that my son's father didn't send the money he was supposed to send nearly 1.5 weeks ago. This is after he ignored my calls and messages for a week and then called Friday to say he would make a deposit on Saturday...then ask me for sex. This on top of my son starting his new daycare (which is more expensive) and paying for the part-time nanny that I have to hire now to get Ty when I get home late. Then one of my superiors decided to write an extensive email, copying 2 other superiors, about how a project I'm working had "issues." Though all the "issues" were already addressed in previous conversations. I mean, it just got to the point that I didn't know how to please them anymore. I got to a point that I gave my all and couldn't do anymore to make them happy. I was tired of being blamed and made to be the incompetent employee because I'm given invalid data and given tight deadlines to "figure it out." I went to a different superior and expressed my deep frustration with the job. It was all I could do to not walk out and simply quit. Then I come home to a mailbox full of bills, including another $300+ invoice from my son's asthma specialist...another Aetna challenge.

I don't know if anyone can understand the incredible amount of pressure that I am under. Its like I'm submerged under water until I'm about to suffocate, just to be given fresh air...but only momentarily. It makes me afraid to get up in the morning. I have so much fear running through me that I don't know what to do. Trying to keep everything straight is hard enough. The house has to be cleaned, I have to make sure Ty is ok with daycare, how is Ty's therapy going, are my bosses happy, am I going to be able to make the time line for my client, are all the bills paid, is the grass cut and hedges trimmed, gotta cook, can't spend too much money, are we going to have another layoff...

I feel like I wake up every morning and am in constant battle mode. I'm so, so tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting with the people who are supposed to be on my side. I'm tired of feeling like I always having to be the warrior and fix everything around me. I'm tired. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why I'm going through this, what I'm doing wrong, or what God is trying to teach me. I want to scream!