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Clara

C.Joyner — 2010-07-25T01:23:00Z

It's been over a week since my last entry. On July 15th my grandmother Clara passed after a long fight with physical illness. Her 94 year old frame fought a good fight and as sad and heartbroken the family is, I believe we are all grateful that God showed mercy and allowed her to come home. We can be selfish at times by wanting our loved ones to live through days of pain and suffering. But we all loved her too much to want her to stay on. When I think of her, I see a woman who raised 7 children without the ability to read or write. All of her children went on to make personal successes. She was a strong woman. Her services were held in both Virginia and her home state of North Carolina. I attended both and am forever happy that I did. Seeing distant cousins and meeting family members was great. We, the grandchildren, are working to find our ancestry and have had issues once we bump into the 1860s, the end of slavery. But to see the progress of our family from illiteracy and poverty in rural North Carolina to college degreed land and business owners. My prayer is that I continue the family legacy of growth and success by building off a foundation based on a belief and trust in Jesus Christ. We love you Clara Joyner.

Falling Apart at the Seams

C.Joyner — 2010-07-14T01:40:00Z

I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. Obviously there is something I'm missing. Am I depressed? I'm not sure. I find it a struggle to get from the beginning to the end of the day without having some kind of serious emotional event. Not having a man in my life has never been so pronounced. I've spent nearly $250 because I don't have a man in my life to do normal household "stuff" that I need done. I have to pay to get the lawn cut, pay to fix the A/C unit...and it's depressing. One of my closest friends moved 4 hours away...and the obvious disconnect that takes place due to distance is happening between us already. My grandmother is dying and once again I'm losing someone in my life. It's frustrating. I realize I'm snapping at people. And the worse part is that I don't know how to fix it. I've prayed and yet I can't seem to move from this place. So once again I say, I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to be learning. I've cried more over the past few weeks than I care to recount. The phone is turned off. I have to get myself together.

I'm Focused

C.Joyner — 2010-07-05T05:27:00Z

I am up and awake in the wheeee hours of the morning. I'm not 100% sure as to why...it may be the tall glass of iced tea I've been sipping most of the night. But I've taken several hours to reflect on where I am in my life and where I want to go. I've made great progress forward over the past 10 years and I'm thankful to God for where I am. I have a more defined plan for where I want to go over the next 5 and 10 years and the method for how I'll get there. I'm committing my plan to God, as I have my previous successful endeavors, and I'm going to do what I need to do to make it happen.

I will be a philanthropist and an individual who will work to impart social change within my community, both locally and internationally. I will be COMPLETELY out of debt within 4 years and have a net worth of $1 million within 9 years. I will be an effective and loving mother and friend. I will be a fierce entrepreneur and business woman. My family comes first. My faith, reverence, and service to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and God my father supersedes any other endeavor, goal, or idea I engage in. Without God I am nothing and all that I am, I am because of Him.

Ambition...Or Lack Thereof

C.Joyner — 2010-07-03T13:36:00Z

Conversations with a friend have given me a jolt of inspiration and motivation. At the age of 31, I can reflect on the last 10 years and identify numerous achievements both personally and professionally. Great jobs, experiences, trips abroad, purchase of first home, and the birth of a child. I generally believe that I'm comfortable with my current state. I live in a good area, have a decent job(s), and make decent money. I need for nothing and at this point I'm just fulfilling some wishes. But I remember a time when my drive and ambition was very intense and my days were spent working toward the goal at hand.

I am now far from that place. I am more settled. My problem is I'm not 100% sure if that is a good or a bad thing. I have goals that I'm working toward and I've developed a methodical plan that is already in place....but after that what else is there. As I type, I realize that I have few challenges that push me on a daily basis. Earlier in my career I was reaching for the next promotion, for buying my home. I'm not one for mass, unnecessary consumption so the idea of acquiring multiple homes and gadgets is not appealing. But, I would like to travel the world and more importantly, I want to be a philanthropist. I suppose the best thing to do is set tangible goals that will lead to that end. So if you need $100 million, what is the first goal? I think I need to wrap my head around the whole idea and this 3-day weekend is perfect for such thought processes. My mind is filled with great ideas...execution is the problem. How to get from A to B is my challenge. Lots to think about...

Lonely

C.Joyner — 2010-07-01T01:31:00Z

The past week has been rather difficult to get through. Waiting on the test results has been a breeze compared to dealing with some of the core issues I've overlooked over the past several years. I live 1,000 miles away from my family and the drawbacks have been difficult. I'm raising a son on my own without the support of family and I've had to develop a substitute family of friends. These friends are the people I lean on when I go through challenging periods. I learned recently that one is moving in the coming months and the other is anxiously trying to leave. I'm extremely lonely and I don't know how to not be.

So I find myself holding on to any glimmer of a memory of home. There is a song named "Endicott" (by Kid Creole and the Coconuts) that my father use to sing to us kids and I found it on You Tube. I played it over and over again as I found it bring me comfort. We also use to watch a play called "The Gospel at Colonus" and I found the trailer online...which I running continuously as I blog. I'm yearning for home, for love, for comfort. I don't believe that those around me can understand where I am, so all I can do is hold on to the Lord and pray that he will cause my hurt and pain to subside. I literally don't know what else to do.

Update - Cancer and Other Happenings

C.Joyner — 2010-06-29T01:50:00Z

Well, good news. I remain cancer free and yes, I'm thrilled. Not only can I return to the club of carnivores full-time, but the sensation of freedom has overcome me. Suddenly the idea of being free from the cloud of fear of tests, retests, biopsies, and meds is penetrating my reality. I can breathe without a looming cloud of pessimism or doubt around me. I'm ok.

My close girlfriend has been helping me get organized around the house (I'm not the neatest person, especially given my work schedule) and the process of purging my house of years of accumulation is also purging for my soul. I like the idea of being a quasi-minimalist. There is something soothing about not having to kick anything that is in your path. The process is therapeutic to say the least. I'm in a good place and learning some valuable lessons. On tap at the moment, God is teaching me what love is. I'm not talking about the fleeting feeling we express randomly, but the II Corinthians 13 version of love. Tough lesson and I haven't scratched the surface. But all things work together for my good and I'm accepting my lessons as they come to me. More to follow...

June 2010 Cancer Checkup

C.Joyner — 2010-06-18T03:05:00Z

I had my bi-annual appointment to retest for cancer on yesterday. Since I didn't blog the days leading up to the appointment, I guess you can tell that this ritual isn't bothering me nearly as much as it has in the past. I can't lie. My stomach was in knots the hours leading up to the appointment. I asked my doctor "how does it look" and she said it looks "good"...whatever that means...but the test will tell us for sure. She still wants to see me every 6 months and it seems as if I will be going this frequently for the immediate future. Not sure if I will ever be able to go back to the regular once a year check up. Either way, my conversation with my doctor was as lighthearted and playful as usual. She joked that I've had more than my share of pap smears. I know all too well what the speculum is, what it feels like, and that clicking sound it makes when she expands it. I've seen the giant scissors used to snip away at my cervix, and I've seen every type of sample cup they have. I've seen it all, been hospitalized, medicated, put on pain killers, lost hope, gained strength, and lived to tell the story. It really doesn't matter what the results are. Good, "bad" or indifferent, it is well with me. I should have the results in a week or so. I have every expectation that they will find nothing. I will keep you posted.

Raw

C.Joyner — 2010-06-11T01:06:00Z

God...this process is so difficult. I guess facing your giants is never easy. I feel like a woman coming out of a coma and being forced to use her legs after years of inactivity. The muscles atrophy and you have to build their strength back up. It takes time.

For years, I've been silenced by the shame and embarrassment of acts of sexual abuse and violence. I lost my voice. I lost the ability to speak loudly and to fight for myself. And now, the act of saying "No" is so, so difficult. It comes so natural for some people, but it is a HUGE hurdle for me. I know that fighting through this is the best path for me and it is needed. I know that I'm worthy of being treated right...I know I'm worth it...

I'm Not Interested

C.Joyner — 2010-06-09T00:20:00Z

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago and to say the least, I had a really good time. I was surrounded by the people I care about and was able to give them small "birthday" gifts as a way to show them how much I care. But within a couple of days of the big bash, I find myself more closed in and cut off then ever before. I acknowledge that I am a very giving person and have found myself pouring into others endlessly. Whatever you need, whatever you lack, I bend over backwards to give whatever is needed. Not looking for anything in return....yet finding myself quite empty. And finding myself unable to receive what it is I seek. How is it that I can be such a great, strong, educated, and wonderful woman, but no man wants to commit. and not play games.

So, I'm done. I'm walking away. I'm taking care of myself and I don't want to be bothered by any more games. You teach people how to treat you...apparently I need to start over with Christie 101.

My Weekend of Peace

C.Joyner — 2010-06-01T02:45:00Z

This Memorial Day weekend has been more enjoyable than I could have imagined. Tyler, I and some friends went to St. George Island to spend a day at the beach and it was thoroughly enjoyable. Not only was I able to get out of the house and enjoy myself, but I was finally able to spend some good quality time with my son after months of working ridiculous hours. As trivial as it sounds, being able to lay on the beach and play in the sand with my #1 Little Guy has meant a lot to me. Laying on our backs and letting the tide push us back to the shore...eating burgers....filling pales full of sand just to dump it and start all over...pure relaxation. To make things even better, we were invited to church in Georgia on Sunday and spent the day with friends, old and new. To be able to get out of the house and spend the day is so out of my norm that it's not funny anymore. But the time spent away has been able to recharge my batteries, something that was very needed. Today, my girlfriend was a real friend and started a project to get my house in order...literally. I have so much "stuff" all over the house and am so lacking time and organization that I needed a bit of help. We started in my bedroom and to say the least, I feel like a new woman. It's amazing what a change in your surroundings can do for your perspective. A place for everything and everything in its place. My closet has never been so neat (even when I first bought the house) and to stand in it is actually fun. I'm not dodging falling sweaters. I found out I have 8 pairs of jeans instead of 2. And I even found my favorite pair of socks.

Something else I realized this weekend...I may not have everything on my wish list. I'm very single with no prospects of a serious relationship in sight (no, no one is beating down my phone). I'm not as far along in my financial journey as I would like to be despite the many achievements I've made. But I have something now that I was looking for 6 years ago when I moved back here. I have peace. I lay my head at night, close my eyes, and I sleep well. There is no substitute for having peace in your life. And I wouldn't trade it for any relationship or savings account balance in the world.

Sigh

C.Joyner — 2010-05-24T03:41:00Z

The past 30 days has been a big lesson in faith. I'm able to better define what it is. I've run into so many instances where my faith has been tested that I feel I could be a poster child for what faith shouldn't be. As of today, I found myself facing what appeared to be impossible situations and not being mildly anxious about the situation. It is nice to be in this place, a place where you just trust that God will take care of whatever situation you face. It has been a struggle to relinquish control of my life and the situations I face. But once I learned to just say "God, I need you to handle this," the stress level has seemed to diminish. I'm hoping to take some time soon to just relax and enjoy my time with my son. I know that my faith is not "perfect," but I'm happy with the progress I've made. I'm happy that I realize that God is ultimately in control of every situation I face. It's nice to be at peace...even when you sit in middle of a storm.

Don't Flinch

C.Joyner — 2010-05-14T02:04:25Z

Wow. What a rocky day. I can't even pretend that it was an average day. It was nothing but average. I have finally reached the point of giving up. I realize that I'm so not in control of my life. It is so obvious at this point that all I can do is laugh about it. I can do everything in my power to move to the left and my body will only move to the right. Up until this point, I have lived a life of abundant blessing. Everything I have touched seemed to flourish. I could wake up in the morning and give a half effort and come home having received every accolade imaginable. And now, I give my best effort to only have everything crumble.

I didn't get it.

It is as if no matter what I do, nothing I do changes my circumstances. The more I try, the more I fail. And I know now that it's not me. I've had too many successes in my life to believe that I'm incapable. I know that I can do anything with the help of the Lord. But I know now that God doesn't want me to experience the successes that I'm so accustomed to. It's easy to coast through life when everything is going your way. You really start to believe your own press. I believed that God was blessing me, but I believed that I had a lot to do with my own success. I know now that I can't do anything if God doesn't give the OK. I'm being forced to trust God. I could not trust Him and live be worried constantly. Or I can take my hands off the situation, give up, and just let God control it. Trusting God means not flinching when someone tells you your health is deteriorating, or that you will lose your job, or that your child is sick. Trusting God is hearing the worse news imaginable and not blinking...not flinching. That's when you know you trust God. It's a change of attitude and it doesn't come automatically. I'm still learning and I haven't mastered the "No Flinching" rule, but I realize I need to make some serious changes in how I rely on the Lord.

Stuck in Nowhere

C.Joyner — 2010-05-13T02:03:00Z

I'm a little sad tonight and wishing I had a friend. Just someone who will look me in the eye and tell me "it will be alright." But I don't have that at the moment. Most of my friends are involved in the challenges of their own life. I'm so use to leaning and depending on those around me that I am now forced to learn to depend solely on God. But I'm scared to do that. I have this unsubstantiated fear that something bad will happen if I lean COMPLETELY on God. When I say lean, I mean to go to God for EVERYTHING. For Him to be the first person I speak to when there is an issue. For Him to be the first person I thank when I receive a blessing. Instead of picking up the phone to call a girlfriend, I drop to my knees and say, "God...guess what happened..." I'm not there yet. God isn't the first person to pop in my mind. I'll sit for hours in a state of depression before I'll pray about it....or better yet, I'll call and ask someone else to pray for me before I'll pray for myself. Yeah, I know it sounds dumb. But it's the truth. I don't trust God. I've been on this Earth for over 3 decades and I still don't trust the Creator. And it's like He keeps proving Himself to me to get me to see that it is Him and not me who makes my world revolve.

Ok, time to be brutally honest. I'm really down. I feel so alone and uncared for (and I know that's not true) but I'm in this weird place. I want to pray, but don't know what to pray for. All I can say is "God help me." I can't find any other words. I'm in a room full of people but very alone. No one understands where I am but God. I feel hurt and disappointed in myself and fearful. I know I'm in the middle of spiritual warfare and I'm fighting the best that I can. I really want to scream. God, I don't know what to do.

What is My Contribution?

C.Joyner — 2010-05-10T02:45:00Z

Now that I have more time in my evenings, I've been able to watch the History Channel's series called "America: The Story of Us." The series walks through the birth of the nation with the settlers and moves forward in time. It highlights the innovation and imagination that was developed through some of the harshest events in our nation's history. Watching the series has made me reconsider the significance of the contributions of those who have come before me. I have not arrived at this juncture in my life (educated, homeowner) without the assistance, fight, and sacrifice of those who came before me. Watching this series makes me wonder just how much of a contribution can I make to this world. I know that I "do" a lot of things. But what is my contribution? What legacy will I leave? I think I can do a lot of good on this Earth if I can just focus my ideas into a cohesive thought and execute. I will have something to think about this week.

Back from Hibernation

C.Joyner — 2010-05-04T01:34:00Z

So...I'm finally coming out of hibernation. I just spent a solid 3-4 weeks working hard to finish the first phase of my client's work and I feel like I have a life again. After spending so much time doing everything but taking care of me, I am eager to change my focus. I just set my alarm to 5:30am in order to wake early and get in some exercise. I remember how great I felt when I would walk/jog for 30 minutes first thing in the morning. My body felt so much better later on in the day. I'm sitting up in bed eating a bowl of strawberries and watching an old Oprah episode with Dr. Mehmet Oz and Dr. Ian Smith discussing diabetes. I'm not diabetic, but the point of the show is taking care of yourself and being responsible for your health. I'm proud of my girlfriend who decided to change her lifestyle after getting fed up with her health. She's about 5'7" and 201lbs. She decided to follow a raw food type of diet (I wonder where she got that notion ) After a week of eating healthier, she dropped 5lbs...VERY PROUD OF HER! I'm not looking to loose a lot of weight, but I'd like to get rid of the mini-bagel around my waste. And after nearly 2 years of wearing an ultra-short haircut, I'm considering growing it out. Not sure how the hair thing will go since I'm so use to the wash-and-wear look. But I'm hoping to commit to some level of daily physical activity. I'm also hoping to focus more on the business. I'm listing my products on eBay...hoping that will spur some sales. It's just nice to finally rejoin society.

The Challenges of Others

C.Joyner — 2010-04-27T02:54:00Z

Over the past several weeks the challenges and issues of those around have become more evident. I'm not sure if people are just suddenly more comfortable opening up to me or if I'm just more observant...maybe a little bit of both. But I realize that at least half of the people who I interact with on a daily basis are struggling. Struggles range from financial to mental and emotional...if not a combination of more than one. As dumb as it sounds, I realize that throwing money at people actually solves very little. They need tools to change their perspective of the situation they are in. I've learned as of late that getting a new supervisor isn't the immediate cure. Changing your attitude can do a world of good when faced with opposition....and soon you realize there is no opposition. Sometimes a hug and a smile can do more to lighten someone's load than we realize. And sometimes, a brief prayer will change situations more than we imagine.

Time

C.Joyner — 2010-04-24T23:14:29Z

I haven't had a clear minute to think, let alone write an entry. But I'm home now, after a long week that doesn't seem to want to end. I have so many projects running simultaneously that it's hard to think straight. My son just celebrated his 3rd birthday and I wonder where the time went. In the midst of all my running around, I was able to meet with his school administrator...well...he now has an administrator for the school he'll attend in the fall. Tyler is starting preschool in August and I'm amazed that I'm even reviewing school year calendars at such an early point. But my baby boy is growing up and I'm doing my best to plan for our future. That's the only way I can justify working 2 jobs and up-starting a business. I'm scheduling time to rest in my daily routine...I guess that's when you know you're a bit busy. I'll be happy when the day comes and I can spend more time resting and less time running around. As much as I have financial goals, I don't want to miss out on spending time with my son. Now I have to figure out how to find balance. I don't want time to pass me by.

It's Not Your Fault

C.Joyner — 2010-04-20T03:01:00Z

It is often hard for those who have not experienced, witness, or otherwise been associated with molestation to understand the impact that the inappropriate sexual behavior has on those who have been violated. Though the contact may appear to be "minor," the processing of that event in the mind of the impacted party can cause years of unnecessary pain.

I can't speak for other people, I can only speak for myself.

When I was a young girl, I was molested. Not only was I molested by someone I trusted, but all my friends found out...and many ridiculed me. It's hard enough to deal with the impact and worthlessness that you feel when you are violated as a child. But for something so embarrassing to be made public is 100x's worse. For the boys to think you're "easy" is that much more degrading. I felt so alone, so exposed, so naked in front of the rest of the world. I cried daily.

Molestation has a range of inappropriate contact and the impact also has a range. Despite what people think, no one act is "less severe" than another. All acts of molestation are inappropriate. After being molested, I found myself dealing with depression for almost 10 years. Depression is more than just feeling down or being sad. It's a cloud of heaviness that weighs you down and no bit of joy seems to be able to penetrate it. You can be in a joyous environment with tons of friends, but within your mind you are the only person in the world. It's an immense pain. It's the sensation of deep solitude, solitude to a detriment, where no one else exists...no one else empathizes....no one else cares. You truly feel all alone. Depression hurts. And for me, my depression became acquainted with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I'd rather die than go to school and be asked, "did you like it?" I seriously tried once. I went to my parent's medicine cabinet and took every pill they had. I ended up extremely drowsy with cleared sinuses and a cleaned-out colon. It wasn't that I wanted to die as much as I wanted the pain to go away. And I wanted to feel loved in the midst of my pain. Suicide is never the answer.

I'm writing this because I know that this blog receives a lot of views everyday. I'm hoping that someone will read this and understand that they are not alone. They are not the only one who has been injured at the hands of a perverted individual. It is not your fault for what happened. And though the person who harmed you may never acknowledge their actions or apologize, understand this:

It is not your fault.

You are blameless.

You are a good person.

You are loved more than you realize.

You are worth loving.

I had to learn to not take the responsibility for what happened. It simply was not my fault. And I have the option of succumbing to the pain the situation caused, or building on top of it to elevate me to a new level. I chose to elevate. And I hope that this entry will lift someone else up.

Void

C.Joyner — 2010-04-18T11:17:00Z

It's Sunday morning and I'm writing this entry knowing that I will now be late for service. But I felt the need to write. I realize that I've been managing my life without addressing the voids that I have. I know there are areas that were at one time bruised and never healed properly. I'm finding myself patching it with everything but what I need, and in the end I'm hurting myself more so than than the original pain. At some point you have to yield to the idea that man can't fix a problem meant to be handled by God. I'm hoping that going to service will give me some perspective and direction. I could use a big hug.

Feels Good

C.Joyner — 2010-04-15T02:40:00Z

I'm back to working like a racehorse and splitting my time between my primary job, my part-time job, and my son. My client's project has a big deadline at the end of the month and I'm putting in as much time as possible to make sure I don't disappoint. And though I've been in "work mode" several times in the past, this time seems different.

I took my son to see a chiropractor as a method for treating his asthma. The idea is that the brain is the hub of the body. All communication to all other body parts starts at the brain and travels through the spinal cord and through the nervous system. If the spine is misaligned and putting pressure on the nerves, it will cause a disruption in the message flow between the brain and various body parts. So he had some x-rays performed and of course, his spine is all over the place...actually, it's shifted to the left. My baby's x-rays looked painful. He started going to the chiropractor in the middle of a bad asthma flare up. After his very first adjustment, he slept extremely well. Actually, the night prior he coughed all night. The night after his adjustment he slept very well. I was sold.

So I decided to get checked out. After 3 car accidents and not being able to sit or stand for long periods I thought it was worth a look. I'm pretty normal, except my neck has almost an inverted curve and my sacrum (very lower portion of my spine) should be one solid bone and instead is 2 pieces. I started getting adjustments on Monday and am now going 3 days per week. I also started curtailing my eating habits (after returning from India, I've been on an eat-everything type of diet). I started eating just a banana for breakfast, an improve from eating nothing at all. I also purchased rice milk and almond milk to replace the skim milk we normally drink. From what I've read, dairy products can aggravate asthma, so I'm moving away from that. I also started doing some minor exercise whenever I can fit it in. I have more energy than I can remember. I feel good. I feel really good. I have this renewed energy and strength within me and my body for once doesn't feel run down. I think I may keep this up and continue to improve my overall health as my time permits.